Wednesday, December 29, 2010

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Sunday, December 26, 2010

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Monday, December 20, 2010

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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

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Monday, December 13, 2010

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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

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Monday, December 6, 2010

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Friday, December 3, 2010

2010 mensa invitational ...

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,  subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. 

 Here are the winners:

 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the  subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


 2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 3.
 Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you  realize it was your money to start with.

 4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a  hillbilly.

 5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about  yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

 7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

 8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these  really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

 14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

 15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
 
 The  Washington  Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

 And the winners are:

 1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

 3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

 6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

 7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.

 8.
 Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has  been run over by a steamroller.

 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

 12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

 13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

  15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

  16. 
Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

Monday, November 29, 2010

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Today's Real Estate News



Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday Fun! Exercise and Diet : )

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?   
A:  If swimming is good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?               
A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape!               
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:  

Life should NOT be a  journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an  attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -   Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly  used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"  
                  
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.    

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart  attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of  beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.  
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

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Monday, November 15, 2010

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

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Monday, November 8, 2010

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Friday, November 5, 2010

Dog Wins Congressional Medal of Honor

What A Dog!

I thought everyone should know about this dog and his story.
I especially like the ending...  My kind of dog!


The K9 above is Brutus, a military K9 at McChord. He's huge; part Boxer and part British Bull Mastiff and tops the scales at 200 lbs. His handler took the picture. Brutus is running toward me because he knows I have some Milk Bone treats, so he's slobbering away! I had to duck around a tree just before he got to me in case he couldn't stop, but he did.

Brutus won the Congressional Medal of Honor last year from his tour in Iraq. His handler and four other soldiers were taken hostage by insurgents. Brutus and his handler communicate by sign language and he gave Brutus the signal that meant 'go away but come back and find me'. The Iraqis paid no attention to Brutus. He came back later and quietly tore the throat out of one guard at one door and another guard at another door. He then jumped against one of the doors repeatedly (the guys were being held in an old warehouse) until it opened. He went in and untied his handler and they all escaped.

Brutus is the first K9 to receive this honor. If he knows you're OK, he's a big old lug and wants to sit in your lap. He enjoys the company of cats.

Talk about animal intelligence and bonding with humans!
Remember that they can't do a lot of things for themselves and that they depend on you to make their life a quality life!

A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS...

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me

3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your enter tainment, but I have only you.

5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.

10. Life would be a much duller, less joyful experience without God's critters.

Monday, November 1, 2010

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Monday, October 25, 2010

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Friday, October 22, 2010

Friday Fun! Dead Duck : )

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

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Monday, October 18, 2010

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Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday Fun! Hare Food : )

Today's Real Estate News



Monday, October 11, 2010

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Friday, October 8, 2010

Friday Fun! The Haircut : )

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left
the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there
was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a
dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Today's Real Estate News



Monday, September 27, 2010

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Monday, September 20, 2010

Today's Real Estate News



Friday, September 17, 2010

Friday Fun! Interesting Singles Ad . . .

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the  Atlanta  Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.  I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me...
Call(404)875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting....
SCROLL DOWN




















Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Today's Real Estate News



Monday, September 13, 2010

Real estate ad tips for Craigslist and print



Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday Fun! Don't Mess with us Old Fogies : )

Learn from your Elders . . .

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up
and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Today's Real Estate News



Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Friday, August 27, 2010

Today's Real Estate News



Bad Day at Hallmark : )

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark

writers are having a bad day........   
?
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping. 
I thought it was flat, 

When I looked at the tire... 

I noticed your cat. 

Sorry!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


 Heard your wife left you, 
How upset you must be. 

But don't fret about it... 

She moved in with me. 



  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years 

that we've been together, 

I can't help but wonder... 

'What the hell was I thinking?' 



  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day! 

Too bad no one likes your husband. 




 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you 

Have such an ugly baby? 



  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have 
someone to hold, 

someone to love. 

After having met you .. 

I've changed my mind.




-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.. 

I never believed in 'hell' until I met you. 




  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... 

That you're not here to ruin it for me. 



  ####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go... 

Would you like to take this knife out of my back? 

You'll probably need it again.



********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 

(Available only in  Tennessee , N. Carolina & West  Virginia  )




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age. 

Almost Lifelike!



  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together, 
you always said you'd die for me. 

Now that we've broken up, 

I think it's time you kept your promise.




  
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time . 

let's say we stop?



+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you 

it's almost like you're here.



=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. 

Did you ever find out who the father was? 



 %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do 

something special for your birthday. 

So we're having you put to sleep..



))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


So your daughter's a hooker, 
and it spoiled your day. 

Look at the bright side, 

it's really good pay.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Animal Thoughts



Hope you enjoyed a laugh : )

Visit my website for information on Flagstaff Real Estate and if you are interested in further information, please contact my office so that we may be of assistance!

Hal Stern, Broker/Owner
The Stern Group
http://buyflagstaffrealestate.com

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bumper Sticker of the Week

 Don't Steal because the US Federal Government doesn't like competition!


Hal Stern, Broker/Owner
The Stern Group
http://buyflagstaffrealestate.com